The Disruptive Joy post by Danielle LaPorte boldly puts into words a unique fear that we and our clients face — similar to the fear of success. It is a fear that combines a reluctance of change and effort, and a desire or pleasure for pleasing everyone, of sacrificing our edginess in order to be normal and acceptable. It comments on a strange human impulse to be surrounded by people being unabashedly themselves, inspired by the creative and impactful work they are doing, and being insanely jealous or self-doubtful.
Intensity of a feeling — in this case joy — has a certain kind of power, thill, and riskiness. It is a sense of momentum paired with the sensation that things could move too fast. It is a combination of our self-confidence and declarations of our own worthiness paired with the tiny, lingering doubt that we may not be good enough or smart enough after all.
Tamping down the really positive feelings can have a big emotional pay off. If you’re not too joyful, too positive, too much of the good stuff, you get rewarded with being generally liked. (Insert yawning sound effect.) You get to keep the j-o-fucking-b and the companion in your bed. You get acceptance. Generally.
Danielle breaks this down into several pieces, several reasons we push away positive feelings. In short, 1) to fit in as normal, 2) because it creates action and change, and 3) as it reminds us of how painful and far down falling would be. As a coach, these are three separate areas to explore with ourselves and our clients.
The first is in the quote above. We grow up with a careful fight between individuality and self-awareness and fitting into the “right” cliques. It’s surprisingly hard to break out of our habit of pleasing everyone — and not just those who matter to us — and our tendency to define ourselves with generic roles — rather than specific, personal ones. In coaching, we listen powerfully for the underlying beliefs, and where the “can’t”s and “should”s come from. Noticing and bringing that that to the surface is the beginning of creating awareness, and then change.
We push away good feelings because they create constant change — and that takes some stamina.
And then, there’s a fear of change, or the friction and effort involved. We want things, we deeply desire things, but the short-term discomfort or uncertainty scares us. It is scary because we forget how beautiful a new habit or future might be; it’s scary because we don’t know how to start — all we know is just that we don’t know how to start. As coaches, we look for the manageable and tangible action points. We provide a space for safety, acknowledgement, and desire.
We push away positive feelings because the light emotions can create a stark contrast to the dark emotions.
Sometimes, a beautiful moment or possibility reminds us of how painful it would be to lose it. If we don’t experience such wonderful things, we won’t have to experience such painful moments as painfully either. It’s likely that these two sensations are often separate — loss hurts a lot regardless. But if it is the case that we must experience dark emotions in all its intensity and complexity, perhaps there is power in those moments too. As a coach, we sit with our clients, offering a space for them to celebrate and process all that is felt. Your emotions are worthy. Not irrational, not to be dismissed. What you feel is important — for some of us, perhaps the most important part.