I will admit I’m feeling a little Wizard of Oz with the titles right now, but I don’t deny there is a wickedness to a coach with their heart in the wrong place.
Some of these examples are mildly exaggerated but they are nonetheless hurtful and sometimes surprisingly intuitive actions — they come from a mindset focused on black/white issues, advice or help, taking pleasure in being right or getting credit, and problem-solving. Here are 5 traits of a wicked coach:
Focus on personal stories and advice
A coach who brings up a personal story or suggested solution in a context is usually trying to be helpful; however, they are implying (whether or not they realise it), that the topic is easily solvable, nothing to worry about, completely ordinary, and not worthy of exploring further.
>>> It may be help to bring up experiences outside of the session, focusing on describing the situation, rather than prescribing something. Suggesting ideas may be useful when the client is stuck and the coach is out of questions, if the coach suggests multiple ideas and asks the client to build on it or improve it, rather than naming one, best solution. Problem-solving type questions may come to mind very early in the session — acknowledge them but keep exploring and probing.
Constant, tiny interruptions
A lot of “mmhhhmms” during a call or head-nodding during an in-person suggestion can go beyond suggesting understanding — they can be perceived as a signal that the client should wrap-up, speed up, get to the point, or that what they are explaining is obvious. The relationship and cues are a great topic to discuss together.
>>> Let go of the need to reassure that your line hasn’t dropped. Give your client eye contact and encouragement, give them silence or an occasional “mm” — often, the deeper observations happen after the client feels all has been said, but also wants to continue sharing.
Trying to comfort, and thus, belittle
“That’s not terrible” or “at least, (some good) came out of it” are well-intentioned. These remarks can sometimes feel uncomfortable or offensive because they imply that the client shouldn’t be feeling as intensely angry, sad, etc as they do, that their feels are unworthy and unjustified, and that they’d better hurry up and move on.
>>> Be brave — give them a space to sit with and explore those emotions further, if they would like. It may be good to acknowledge that you hear the intensity and details of their issue. Some clients may feel guilty from complaining, and you wouldn’t want them to leave the session feeling that way. Hold the space with your innocent curiousity.
Closed questions (in some cases)
A question that can be answered with yes or no is generally pushing a client in a particular direction, in a way that we personally think would be most beneficial or efficient. Sometimes, they come from a part of us that wants to know we were right in understanding or have the best solution. This can take the conversation off track, away from the clients agenda — when you get ready to close, both parties might realise that the original intention was ignored rather than fulfilled.
>>> Closed questions can be good for confirming understanding, or challenging the client to take on a task or question they expressed curiosity in. They can be used effectively to ask the opposite of a question the client has been wondering, as a way to open up further exploration. There are many other times for closed questions, but make sure to check your judgement.
Having the last, eloquent word
A wicked coach may want to end with an eloquent line, full of acknowledgements and thanks before logging off. This may come from a place of ego, of being able to speak well and show it, of following the conversation well and wanting to demonstrate it. It can make the client incomplete if they end with so many more thoughts and have no chance to explore it.
>>> It is useful to wrap-up with key takeaways, questions, or action points, but it’s good to give the client the last word. You hold the space for them by making sure that they have made the most of their time, or as much as they would like.
That’s the fabled wicked coach, folks!